ah yeah this is probably going to be my shit journal because it's going to be a rant but i don't know where else i'm going to express it because everybody near me will going to take it as a joke, and keeping it too myself will only make me want to burn the entire world
it's a warn if you going to follow your dream then don't read this because probably i'm going to crush people's dream, eh but fuck that....what is wrong is just me, not my field.
well, i ever wrote last time in my journal, how i feel tired doing the exact same thing everyday, maybe it got the best of me now, because i feel more empty than anything. i always ignore it as nothing but now someone that close to me just told me something that make me feel like shit, and what's worst it's probably true.
i don't even understand myself how i become like this. when i'm still in school, my scores are high, can be said i'm included in the hard-working student. The old me was a very competitive person. i remember that time i didn't understand my lazy friend who take test just to make themself get a remedial over and over. at first i start college, i feel like a burning fire. i move to a new town feeling fresh, i'm taking care of myself, i'm planning bazillion things, i feel like this is my breakthrough etc etc, not to mention i'm so passionate with my dream, i draw everyday even sometimes i don't sleep because i want to finish a picture. ever since high school i'm thinking what i want to do before sleep, and it's being an artist, not just an artist, i want to be well known artist working in a well known studio, or even create it myself. i always thought my dream and passion is what makes me different from people around me.
but then 1 year later in college....BOOM, out of the blue my aspiration just vanish, gone into thin air. and what is more weird is NOTHING cause it. i don't know....maybe because i'm tired just going to college, then go home, do homework, sleep, go to college, go home, do homework, sleep, everyday to the point that i thought i would probably turn nuts. i suddenly feel extremely lonely even if i'm surrounded with million people. maybe because all my life, i never ACTUALLY feel connected with anybody. i'm jealous when seeing my friends are so connected with each other, i feel like a creature from a different planet when they having fun while i myself pretending to blend with them. well, at least i tried. i feel like an ungrateful friend because now i'm indirectly cut them off even they have tried to contact me. because no kindness can impress me no more, i no longer can feel i missed someone or the needs to be together like i used to. i feel like a total robot with no heart. even when i do make bonds, its just to keep myself sane.i do feel connection on some people, but it's only two or three in my entire life.
months to months the feeling got worse that i feel like i just want to sleep everyday. i go out feeling extremely tired that maybe i could collapse and fall asleep in the bus or on the road. i lie on bed thinking that there's no point to do anything because i'll feel the same, nothing. my sleep pattern is a mess. then it's affected my performance in college till my lecturer notice there's something wrong, it's odd because i started very well. he asked me what's wrong and all of sudden i broke down crying like a goddamn waterfall even though it's soooooo inappropiate to cry in a time like that because i don't want to make a fucking drama.
i go silent or make a joke of myself when everyone asked me what's wrong, because NOTHING is wrong, NOTHING cause anything. and the more i thought about it the more i feel bad because i don't deserve to feel like that. i don't think it's depression, because i don't feel sad, i just feel empty. i've read a lot about depression and it sound much worse and nothing like mine. Maybe my brain is weird but i don't want to self diagnose myself and label it as something to excuse my idiocy. And when i DO told people what i feel they said "it doesn't make any fucking sense."
i wish my spirit can come back at me out of the blue the same like when it's gone so i don't make people feel like a retard for trying to help me and receive nothing. my parents now start to hate me and comparing me with my "no doubt will be successful" sister. i can sense their trust is fading now. she even said it to my face that i'm already broken and can't be helped.
i'm pissed off because i want to change but i don't know where to start. i want to have goal, i want my spirit back. i need a reason to make myself excited with life but i don't know what it is. i don't want to go back to the time where i feel like "weeee my life is sucks weeee" because i'm not an unstable teenager anymore, i'm a fucking adult for god sake. i wish i could turn off all my weakness like a switch so i don't blocking my own way. like wussss, magic! congratulations you're not a fucktard anymore!
how do you get your spirit back? how do you get your aspiration back? i'm 180 degree different now and i don't even take drugs, how the fuck does that even make sense?
maybe i need a robot who can slap me 24/7 everytime i'm being stupid so i can stop myself from wailing like a whale later hahahahahaah
no i dont say what i feel because i want people to pity me, fuck you if you pity me, i just want to letting out myself or maybe......... at least get a second opinion on how to get excited and find your reason of life back. no drama, no shit.
(yeah i add emoticons so it sounds less serious, why so serious? being serious only drives you nuts )